I've been through this a number of times.
Not knowing who I am as a blogger, not knowing who I am as a writer, not knowing what forum I wanted to use for all that I want to say... so I am going to try blogging again - but somewhere else, somewhere a little simpler... cleaner, where I am not distracted by the appearance of things :)
SO please, if you want to - visit me at http://abeautifulhistory.wordpress.com
Also, if you've stuck with me and followed this blog at all and you have a blog, please email me your blog address so I can continue to follow you. Leslietjackson@gmail.com.
See ya there.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Baby Chi Chi
The long and short of it is that - it was short...my labor. Four total hours (from FIRST contraction to the moment she entered this world). We labored at home and I was certain I had some time left once we arrived at the hospital, but while waiting on Pat to check me in, I - laboring on my hands and knees in the emergency room waiting room (standard check in procedure for this particular hospital) - felt an intense contraction, my water break and the urgent sensation to push.
The next few moments were surreal - I was rushed in a wheel chair into an elevator. Pat was running as fast as he could behind a transport nurse who was running much faster telling me to "breathe through straws!" and "DO NOT PUSH!" - I watched her feet as I leaned over the back of the chair trying to figure out what it meant to breathe through straws. After a 12 week birthing class, we didn't discuss straws... but I remembered watching Cosby Himself 1,807,945 times and thinking of his Lamaze training I figured it out.
We were in and out of the elevator FAST and into a room where a surprising number of people were waiting - I can't help but think I cut in front of another mom who'd been laboring for many hours and was ready to deliver and here comes this hot shot birther about to lose her kid in a wheel chair.
I was asked to stand and walk - really? and I asked to be pushed closer to the bed.
I stood.
I demanded my clothing be removed. According to me it went like this "Should I take my clothes off?" As I was in my PJs. According to Pat it went like this "TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF" - I sorta believe him, but whatever.
My clothing was removed post haste.
I was in the bed and I think it was THEN that people realized the baby was like, already there :) but not quite. I pushed 3.5 times and there she was.
Our little baby Elliot Grace. We call her Ellie Grace, Ellie Belly, Baby Sissy, Baby Chi Chi (some derivitive of Sissy), Cheech, Chitchers, Sis-a-Roo, Chich-A-Roo and on and on.
She is daddy's "LOVE" and such a sweet element of joy and drama to our lives. She is happy, joyful and yet extremely stubborn and can be quite the snot at times.
7 more days until she is a big one-year-old :(
Thursday, December 1, 2011
#3?
It's about that time - no? - to consider a third? Well not yet - we've got another year before we even consider it :)
This month is SO busy - what a month to have a baby. Not only is it filled with an absurd number of social events, it is the month in which we are to STOP (in between absurd number of social events) and reflect upon the gift we were given when Christ was born. Just an ironic standard that has been created out of the holiday season and by default it is what we all create - in order to reflect we want to celebrate with our closest friends before the year ends and we begin anew - and in order to celebrate we want the quiet of our home, with our family, to reflect.
It's going to cost an entirely separate Christmas to pay for the quantity of babysitting hours we need this month let alone, CHRISTMAS and Ellie's birthday. Sorry in advance if your Christmas card is late - it will be a CHRISTMAS card, but it will be paid for after Christmas.
Oh the joy of the season and what we make of it - back to basics in 2012. Planning now for then and being more prepared.
Well what was supposed to be a post honoring the anticipation of our precious little lady, more a rant about priorities. Just vote republican ok? It will make the next few years less painful.
Monday, November 28, 2011
I Blinked....
and a YEAR has past. (well almost)
I cannot believe that in just over two weeks my little baby is going to be one. Oh the joy this little one brings is unexplainable.
Ellie Grace. Our sweetest little love.
At 11.5 months:
- she has mastered crawling on all fours
- loves to pull up to standing on anything, but hasn't tried to furniture walk (I'm ok with her not walking for quite awhile)
- says "Hi!" "AAYYYEEE" - which we think is "Atti" which we think is all animals :), bye, Mama and some other words that we're not sure what they mean
- LOVES her brother. Not another person can make her laugh like her brother
- LOVES her daddy. Next to brother, daddy is most important
- Is just so happy and smiley.
We're so blessed with our kids. I am so blessed to be their "mom" - it's just been an amazing almost year with sweet Ellie!
I cannot believe that in just over two weeks my little baby is going to be one. Oh the joy this little one brings is unexplainable.
Ellie Grace. Our sweetest little love.
At 11.5 months:
- she has mastered crawling on all fours
- loves to pull up to standing on anything, but hasn't tried to furniture walk (I'm ok with her not walking for quite awhile)
- says "Hi!" "AAYYYEEE" - which we think is "Atti" which we think is all animals :), bye, Mama and some other words that we're not sure what they mean
- LOVES her brother. Not another person can make her laugh like her brother
- LOVES her daddy. Next to brother, daddy is most important
- Is just so happy and smiley.
We're so blessed with our kids. I am so blessed to be their "mom" - it's just been an amazing almost year with sweet Ellie!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Catch 22
For as long as I can remember, I have been tired.
Second grade, I'd fall asleep during reading time - I remember the teacher telling me that it wasn't normal and questioning the amount of sleep I get. But I always napped. I can always nap.
As I got older, it became a joke with my co-workers. No amount of coffee, no amount of sleep the night before, nothing would hinder me from feeling sleepy at various parts of the day. Take that into pregnancy and motherhood - it becomes harder and more "difficult" to feel that way all the time.
After going through a difficult time after William and then just feeling awful after Ellie - I decided to see some counsel from my friend's very trusted naturopath. While I trust Western Medicine, I truly value the holistic perspective. Unfortunately I don't have much trust in our health care system which severely limits not only the doctor's ability to run tests "outside the box" but often prevents the doctor from even seeing it as necessary.
I had a wonderful eye opening and invigorating conversation with Dr. Kari that made me feel after discussing everything from the length of my menstrual cycle when I first got my period to acne medications to my diet when I was in high school that she knew where to begin. She said it certainly sounded as though my pituitary gland doesn't release the luteinizing hormone which triggers ovulation (and why my cycles are always long and I ovulate late), I struggle with serotonin levels, she wants to check my thyroid, adrenals not just for function for the presence of certain enzymes that would indicate... well - it was all overwhelming.
Because Dr. Kari isn't covered by my insurance, all of this would be out of pocket and therefore unaffordable for us at this time.
I've felt this way or some version of this way all my life - so it shouldn't be a big deal, but I also find myself struggling to feel this way and be a good wife and mom. But we really cannot afford it. So I'm stuck between the hope of a truly life changing solution and our current situation.
As I'm writing this I was JUST overwhelmed with the realization that at least I'm ALIVE and nothing is so wrong with me that this is life or death. I'm tremendously blessed with my health - so now I feel like a total ass for writing this complainitory note, but because I'm 100% about being real, I'm not going to delete it - also because I wanted to demonstrate my bi-polar nature these days. HA!
So, it stinks, but I am alive and healthy. My goal now is to focus on my inner strength since I cannot afford the treatment route - I must fix myself with my actions and attitude.
Here's where it starts.... I feel GREAT!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Second grade, I'd fall asleep during reading time - I remember the teacher telling me that it wasn't normal and questioning the amount of sleep I get. But I always napped. I can always nap.
As I got older, it became a joke with my co-workers. No amount of coffee, no amount of sleep the night before, nothing would hinder me from feeling sleepy at various parts of the day. Take that into pregnancy and motherhood - it becomes harder and more "difficult" to feel that way all the time.
After going through a difficult time after William and then just feeling awful after Ellie - I decided to see some counsel from my friend's very trusted naturopath. While I trust Western Medicine, I truly value the holistic perspective. Unfortunately I don't have much trust in our health care system which severely limits not only the doctor's ability to run tests "outside the box" but often prevents the doctor from even seeing it as necessary.
I had a wonderful eye opening and invigorating conversation with Dr. Kari that made me feel after discussing everything from the length of my menstrual cycle when I first got my period to acne medications to my diet when I was in high school that she knew where to begin. She said it certainly sounded as though my pituitary gland doesn't release the luteinizing hormone which triggers ovulation (and why my cycles are always long and I ovulate late), I struggle with serotonin levels, she wants to check my thyroid, adrenals not just for function for the presence of certain enzymes that would indicate... well - it was all overwhelming.
Because Dr. Kari isn't covered by my insurance, all of this would be out of pocket and therefore unaffordable for us at this time.
I've felt this way or some version of this way all my life - so it shouldn't be a big deal, but I also find myself struggling to feel this way and be a good wife and mom. But we really cannot afford it. So I'm stuck between the hope of a truly life changing solution and our current situation.
As I'm writing this I was JUST overwhelmed with the realization that at least I'm ALIVE and nothing is so wrong with me that this is life or death. I'm tremendously blessed with my health - so now I feel like a total ass for writing this complainitory note, but because I'm 100% about being real, I'm not going to delete it - also because I wanted to demonstrate my bi-polar nature these days. HA!
So, it stinks, but I am alive and healthy. My goal now is to focus on my inner strength since I cannot afford the treatment route - I must fix myself with my actions and attitude.
Here's where it starts.... I feel GREAT!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far
Since Ellie was born and I became a full time stay at home mom of two, I've been working - and by working I mean struggling - with what my parenting style is and then - here's the key - how that matches up with what is effective.
I was raised in a very loving home - but there was spanking, yelling, harsh consequences - and my brother and I turned out quite well. However, I've recently come to terms with some of my traits that I don't wish to pass along to my children.
I am short tempered.
I am not patient.
I can be quite harsh when I become frustrated
I react violently - verbally and physically...
I can be a bully.
I decided in the last 48 hours that it is extremely important for me to break the chain. Partially because I witnessed William becoming angry and frustrated in situations and not possessing the emotional intelligence to deal with his feelings - and I blame his example (i.e. ME). It also struck me today that I am allowing the aforementioned personality traits color my love for William - and HE DESERVES ALL of my UNCONDITIONAL love. It's time for me to be a better advocate for him - as a person and as his role model.
I don't know if I can explain it, but I was overwhelmed with this feeling that my behaviors were / are having adverse effects on William's development. And I was moreso overwhelmed with remorse, guilt and a desire to love him and tell him repeatedly "you are loved, you are amazing, you are kind, you are special, you are smart, you are everything to me, you are the best thing that ever happened to us...." and so I have, repeatedly, done that today.
It's just another thing I have on the list of what I'm working on - but it became top priority as I caught a glimpse of how quickly behaviors are modeled by our children and become troublesome behavioral attributes.
My children are the most extraordinary thing I've done.
They deserve 100% of me, unconditionally loving them until I'm gone.
I was raised in a very loving home - but there was spanking, yelling, harsh consequences - and my brother and I turned out quite well. However, I've recently come to terms with some of my traits that I don't wish to pass along to my children.
I am short tempered.
I am not patient.
I can be quite harsh when I become frustrated
I react violently - verbally and physically...
I can be a bully.
I decided in the last 48 hours that it is extremely important for me to break the chain. Partially because I witnessed William becoming angry and frustrated in situations and not possessing the emotional intelligence to deal with his feelings - and I blame his example (i.e. ME). It also struck me today that I am allowing the aforementioned personality traits color my love for William - and HE DESERVES ALL of my UNCONDITIONAL love. It's time for me to be a better advocate for him - as a person and as his role model.
I don't know if I can explain it, but I was overwhelmed with this feeling that my behaviors were / are having adverse effects on William's development. And I was moreso overwhelmed with remorse, guilt and a desire to love him and tell him repeatedly "you are loved, you are amazing, you are kind, you are special, you are smart, you are everything to me, you are the best thing that ever happened to us...." and so I have, repeatedly, done that today.
It's just another thing I have on the list of what I'm working on - but it became top priority as I caught a glimpse of how quickly behaviors are modeled by our children and become troublesome behavioral attributes.
My children are the most extraordinary thing I've done.
They deserve 100% of me, unconditionally loving them until I'm gone.
Working On It: Our Financial Situation
Such is the roller coaster of life, Pat and I - through our individual as well as married ups and downs - have acquired a mound of debt that we are working our way out from under. (I tried to write that sentence without any prepositional endings, but I couldn't figure it out without making it convoluted.)
In an effort to chip away at said mound we're selling "stuff." New, never used, lightly used, super used but in excellent condition - "things" we've acquired over the years that we find ourselves not using. This effort also aids in streamlining our lives, our home.
Pass it along. I'm posting our for sale items on Craigslist and referencing another blog - http://buyourstuffplease.blogspot.com - to provide further pricing information and product details.
New items will be added as time allows!
In an effort to chip away at said mound we're selling "stuff." New, never used, lightly used, super used but in excellent condition - "things" we've acquired over the years that we find ourselves not using. This effort also aids in streamlining our lives, our home.
Pass it along. I'm posting our for sale items on Craigslist and referencing another blog - http://buyourstuffplease.blogspot.com - to provide further pricing information and product details.
New items will be added as time allows!
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